Lost in Termina, the rewritten version of Lost: ZE
by Darth Meatloaf
Summary: IT HAS RETURNED! With a new plot, title, and characters and teams, his is Lost: Zelda Edition completely REDONE! R/R! (Only one ch. is up now. The rest don't apply to the new plot.)
1. Episode 1: THE INTRO TO THE TEAMS!

Lost In Termina (The rewritten ultra-deluxe version)

I don't own Zelda, or Lost. Understand? If not, BEWARE THE EVIL RABID CHIA PET HORDES!

Scene: The Clock Tower in Termina.

GGGuy: Hello. I'm GoroGoroGuy. Welcome to the fanfic "Lost: Zelda Edition." Recently, it came to my attention that three authors-that-must-not-be-named hated my fics and will never, in a million years, put me in their new fic, even if I changed everything, because...well…because of this fic, actually. The original edition eventually came TOO close to GG's BBD, so now she and apparently all of the other great authors in the Zelda humor section hate me and think I'm just yet another imitator. SO, just to prove I'm NOT another imitator, I'm completely rewriting this whole fic from scratch, using even MORE characters. Plus, some of the same jokes and some original characters and some of the original plot, etc, will be used. I do not think that they will put me in, but I can try. Now, the rules of this little fic are simple. Teams of two Zelda characters each will be dropped off somewhere in the vast world of Termina. The teams must find their ways to Hyrule castle, but there's a catch. They must make it within the borders of Hyrule in FIVE DAYS, or they will be disqualified. First team to the castle wins 100,000 rupees, (Roughly $1,000,000) and we give the rest of them palm pilots. The characters will have absolutely NO WAY of knowing whom they'll be with or where they'll be. Unlike last time, when we put Link and Skullkid in Zora's domain to give the other characters a fighting chance, we have instead simply erased all memories (temporarily) of Termina.

Voice off camera: I think you overdid it a tiny, little bit with Skullkid.

GGGuy: Huh? What do you mean, I overdid it?

Voice off camera: I mean this…

*Voice runs off camera before it can see him, revealing a crouched-over Skullkid, sitting in a rotating chair like Dr. evil and petting a clay bust of Arnold Shwarzeneggar like it's a cat*

Skullkid: *Looks up with bloodshot eyes* Well, Mr. Powers, It appears you have a choice…save the world…or save your girl…MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!! *COUGH COUGH* MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GGGuy: *Staring at Skullkid blankly, like everyone else in Clock Town*

Voice off camera: OOOOOOOOO…kay…

GGGuy: Who left the Mountain Dew containment room unlocked? That stuff has enough caffeine to bring down a fully-grown Goron! Go take him backstage and fix his memory, now, and get me a slushie while you're at it. Writing this fic makes me thirsty.

*Six security guards grab Skullkid and drag him off the area*

Skullkid: NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! I'll get you for this, Mr. Powers!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGEEEEEEEEEEEAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! *Is dragged into the Clock tower by his eyebrows, or whatever he has there*

Voice off camera: That's a bad sign. That's a very, VERY bad sign.

GGGuy: Ah, slushie goodness…*Sucks down slushie in five seconds* …for all you people out there who DON'T know who the Zelda characters are, here's profiling for each one used as a main character.

Contestants are as follows:

**Ruto:** Sage of water, princess of the Zoran race.

**Occupation since she left Oot:** Cook at a seafood restaurant. Don't ask me why.

**Age:** 17

**What she thinks of this fic:** "I'M OVER LINK, DAM***!"

**Zelda:** Princess of Hyrule.

**Occupation since she left Oot:** Princess of Hyrule, you meathead.

**Age:** 17

**What she thinks of this fic:** "IMPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!! I BROKE ANOTHER NAIL!!!!!!!!!!"

**Skullkid:** Weirdo who lives the Lost Woods.

**Occupation since he left MM:** Working for GGGuy in the rewrites of LSAAVC, and a professional spitter.

**Age:** 17

**What he thinks of this fic:** "WHEN MR. BIGELSWORTH GETS ANGRY, PEOPLE DIE!"

**Darmani:** Current leader of the Termina Goron tribe.

**Occupation since he left MM:** Rock climber. He eats most of the rocks he'll climb, and then hops onto the top.

**Age:** 41

**What he thinks of this fic**: "This fic is for all the lost Gorons without proper names that depend on the occasional author to name them and put them in starring roles of reality fics! HOO-HA-HA!"

**Ganondorf:** A big bad guy who never dies and constantly tries to kill Link and/or take over Hyrule.

**Occupation since he left Oot:** Delusional mob boss and a professional clown. The clown job ended sadly when he blew apart a birthday cake he tried to assassinate and was forced to retreat from the party under a hail of noisemakers and balloons shaped like dogs.

**Age:** 49

**What he thinks of this fic:** "DO I HAVE TO DO THIS _AGAIN_? I CAN'T STAND RARU FOR ANOTHER SECOND!"

**Raru:** Sage of light, tub of lard. Need I say more?

**Occupation since he left Oot:** Pro Couch potato and serial eater. He burned calories by blinking a lot. He played video games a lot, too. His favorite was his own game, "Fridge Raider."

**Age: **438

**What he thinks of this fic:** "You know, I think that this whole thing is a great idea. After all, what a better way to find out if we can work together then to get lost somewhere in the middle of an unfamiliar place with no supplies or weapons! I mean, honestly, people today are so soft. When I was young, I worked out quite often. But then I hit 30, and my metabolism changed like THAT. So now I'm really fat and ugly, but I'm on a diet plan that promise that I'll go into the normal weight range in roughly two years. But frankly, I haven't seen any difference. I still look like a big chicken burrito in a robe. I like chicken, but it isn't on the diet plan. CAN I HAVE ANOTHER BASKET OF FRIES HERE?" (Taken from Ch.3 of the original Lost)

**Saria:** Sage of Forest. Vertically impaired.

**Occupation since she left Oot:** N/A (There are no job opportunities in the Kokori forest)

**Age:** 17, but she looks like she's eight.

**What she thinks of this fic:** "Give me one "Short Joke" and I'll make you wish you were never written."

**Link:** Hero of time.

**Occupation since he left the last Zelda game thus far**: Worked for Lucasfilm for a time, but then started working as a video game designer.

**Age:** 17

**What he thinks of this fic:** "HEY! THIS ISN'T A COCKTAIL PARTY! YOU TRICKED ME INTO COMING HERE, YOU MOTHER F*****!!!!!!!!! I'LL SEE YOU IN COURT!!!!"

**Talon: **Fat, lazy guy. Works on a ranch. Has a "thing" for Wheaties and dynamite, for reasons unknown.

**Occupation since he left Oot: ** He was too lazy to get a job, and his language skills are now SO BAD that he requires a translation for everything he says, even if it's in English.

**Age:** Even he doesn't know.

**What he thinks of this fic:** "RAH rah raher shimmy yah yada yada. Blah-blah-blah omf neerod onple. Orf herein toofs, hah!" (Translation: Well, it's rather witty, I'll give you that. There are a lot of people. More cheesy poofs now, please!)

**Impa:** Sage of Shadow and the caretaker of Princess Zelda. Always has an expression on her face that makes her look as though she was being forced to eat something very unpleasant.

**Age:** Nobody actually cares, but rumor has it that she's roughly 56.

**Occupation since she left Oot:** Ran a daycare center, and then became a telemarketing person.

**What she thinks of this fic:** "Fun. It's just…fun. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go help Zelda with her nails…*Groan*"

**Malon:** Talon's daughter. Not much about her personality was revealed in Oot, but she likes horses, Buffalo wings, and is a die-hard fan of the Blue Man Group. She sings…badly. I can't get any more descriptive than that, or I'll be attacked by a hideously large group of Malon-Lovers.

**Age:** 17, dipwad. Almost everyone ELSE is 17.

**Occupation since she left Oot:** McDonalds manager in a shopping mall.

**What she thinks of this fic:** "IF I WIN, WILL I GET AN AWARD CEREMONY? WILL THE BLUE MAN GROUP BE THERE? OH GOD I HOPE SO OHGODOHGODOHGODPLEASE!!!!!

**Nabooru:** Sage of Spirit

**Age:** 42

**Occupation since she left Oot: **Opened her own barbershop, then bought herself a house in Miami and hasn't been seen since MM came out.

**What she thinks of this fic:** "Yes, I model my makeup after Mimi Bobeck of the Drew Carey show. Why do you ask?"

GGGuy: And that's the whole cast. Now, during the fic, the Voice Off Camera and I will randomly appear and force a team to do a task for no reason, other than that it amuses us and makes for a longer fic. Also, occasionally, I will mess up the story a bit to confuse the teams and have fun. The ways I'll mess up the story are as follows:

Random plot twist (I rearrange everything in a certain area. ANYTHING CAN AND WILL HAPPEN DURING THIS TIME, so watch out)

'Whose Line is it anyway" plot twist (I force the character I pick to do a musical number or some other improvisational thing. Quite fun, actually.)

Cameo plot twist (I put in an author or character from another area or game to really screw things up)

The dreaded "Line redo bell of doom" of "The Drew Carey Show" fame (I ring a bell, and the last person to talk during the story has to replace their line with a different one)

GGGuy: And on top of that, I will be doing other stuff as well to mess the contestants up.

Link: (from a distance) ARE YOU DONE TALKING YET? IT'S GETTING DARK, AND I DON'T LIKE HOW RARU KEEPS LOOKING AT ME! I THINK HE'S HUNGRY!

Raru: (also from a distance) Hmmm…a little on the skinny side, but I guess I could stuff him…a light white wine sauce…some hot pockets on the side and a quadruple-order of buffalo wings…thirty cans of Coca-Cola…and fifty candy bars for dessert…MMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmm…candy…*drools*

GGGuy: *SIGH* Oh, boy…this really is a bad sign…well, here are the teams, so far, anyway…

Saria and Impa

Darmani and Raru

Ganondorf and Zelda

Link and Nabooru

Ruto and Malon

Talon and Darunia

GGGuy: And that's it. On to the main fic.

Link: I DIDN'T STEAL YOUR BOXER SHORTS!

Raru: DID TOO!

Link: DID NOT, FATTY!

Raru: OH, YOU THINK YOU'RE _SO_ SMART!

Link: SMARTER THAN YOU ARE!

Raru: SAY THAT AGAIN!

Link: SMARTER THAN YOU ARE!

Raru: SAY THAT AGAIN!

Link: SMARTER THAN YOU ARE!

Raru: SAY THAT AGAIN!

Link: SMARTER THAN YOU ARE!

Raru: SAY THAT AGAIN!

Link: SMARTER THAN YOU ARE!

Raru: SAY THAT AGAIN!

Link: SMARTER THAN YOU ARE!

Raru: SAY THAT AGAIN!

Link: SMARTER THAN YOU ARE!

Raru: SAY THAT AGAIN!

Link: SMARTER THAN YOU ARE!

Raru: SAY THAT AGAIN!

Link: SMARTER THAN YOU ARE!

Raru: SAY THAT AGAIN!

Link: SMARTER THAN YOU ARE!

Raru: I CAN'T HEEEEEEEEAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR YOOOOOOOUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!! LALALALALALALALAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!! OH SAY CAN YOU SEEEEEEEE!!!!! BY THE DAWN'S EARLY LIIIIIIIIGHT!!!!!!

Link: I'M SMARTER THAN YOU ARE!!!!!!!!!!

Raru: ARE NOT!

Link: ARE TOO! MY IQ TEST PROVES IT!

Raru: DIDN'T YOU KNOW THAT THE AMOUNT OF FOOD YOU CAN CONSUME REFLECTS YOUR INTELLIGENCE?

Link: GET IN SHAPE, YOU BUM!

Raru: I AM IN SHAPE! ROUND IS A SHAPE!

*Fade out*

No, I'm not doing the Televised portion of the show yet. I'll put it up on the next episode, when we finally get down to business. SO REVIEW. Now.


	2. Not applicable to the new Lost's plot

This work is currently under review. Please be patient.

-GoroGoroGuy-


	3. Not applicable to the new Lost fic

Lost: Zelda Edition: Episode three Phil Savickas Phil Savickas 2 1351 2001-11-01T23:02:00Z 2001-11-01T23:02:00Z 29 7339 41833 19 Evergreen Drive 348 83 51373 9.2720 0 0 Lost: Zelda Edition: Episode three 

By: GoroGoroGuy

I don't own Zelda. If I DID, I would be rolling in cash right now, with a laptop. I don't own any Harry potter references (There are a few) in this fic, and I also don't own Lost. And since roughly three networks show it now, I'm not really sure who does.

Also, I heard somewhere that Lost (The TV one) is doing poorly. I don't know if this is true or not, but if so, then where they failed, I shall triumph! And if I can't do that, I'm gonna get me a slurpee and a burger and then eat bagels till I puke. That always works for me. ^_^

EEP! I didn't put a disclaimer on my last fic! Th-This could get ugly…AHHH!!! *Runs away*

Scene: The set of Lost: ZE. GoroGoroGuy is sitting on an inflatable couch, listening to music on his MP3 player. (a/n: I actually have one, too.)

Guy off camera: AAAAAAnnnd…Action!

*GGGuy doesn't look up*

GOC: ACTION!

*GGGuy pushes the "power" button on his MP3 player and takes off his headphones*

GOC: I SAID ACTION, YOU LAZY SON OF A BI***!

GGGuy: *looks up* What? Oh, sorry, didn't even know I was on.

GOC: It's about darn time! Get on with the script!

GGGuy: Oh, fine, don't blow a fuse. Okay…where was I…oh, yeah. As you all know, last episode I aired a contest allowing you, the faithful reader, to put in your review, or E-mail, your choice of a new host. I have counted the votes, added my own vote to break a tie, and the winner is…*Drum roll* DARU, (a/n: I made that name up, as he had no real name) THE BABY GORON FROM MM! Let's give him a big round of applause! Come on out, Daru!

*Lots of applause*

GGGuy: I said, come on out! Let's give him a big hand!

*Even more applause, but Daru doesn't come out*

GGGuy: I SAID, COME ON OUT, DARU!

*Daru comes out from backstage in a suit and tie, running as fast as he can* (a/n: Which isn't very fast, if you watched him during MM.)

GGGuy: You'd better have a good excuse, Daru!

Daru: I had to go to the bathroom!

*GGGuy gives him "the look" *

Daru: (Sheepishly) Sorry…

GGGuy: That's okay, just as long as you remember to go before the show next time, capeshe?

Daru: Okay.

GGGuy: I'm going to go now, so do a good job hosting, okay?

Daru: Great.

GGGuy: Bye, everyone! *Walks off stage*

Daru: Well, that was amazing. I'm sure we'll all mi-

GGGuy: Hold on, I forgot my keys! *Comes running back on the set, grabs a set of keys off the coffee table, and leaves*

Daru: (Dr. Evil imitation) RRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT… Anyway, I'm sure we'll all miss him, though. Isn't that right?

Guy in audience: *Stands up* Not really. He was a bad host. He insulted my intelligence.

Daru: I didn't ask for opinions. It says on the screen up there you're supposed to agree with me.

GIA: But he could insult the intelligence of a first grader!

Daru: *Looks worried* Huh boy, now what did GGGuy tell me to do with people who insulted him again? *Pulls a manual entitled "GGGuy's guide to hosting bad fanfiction remakes of even worse reality shows" out of his pocket* Let me see here… *Flips through the pages*…Insult section…category "Hecklers"…Sub-category "Guys who stand up and insult the author"…Column "B"…Ah, here it is! Let me see…uh…all right! *Ahem* SECURITY! GET THIS GUY OUT OF HERE! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *All panels of glass within 1 mile break *

Another voice off camera: COMING!

*Two beefy security guys with the numbers 1 or 2 or their backs come running out of the backstage area, one armed with a stun gun*

Security guy 2: There's the poor sap! Shoot him!

Security guy 1: *Shoots Guy in audience with his stun gun* Pegged him! YES! *Does a victory dance*

Security guy 2: Great work, Bill, that's the thirteenth one this week! At this rate, you'll break the stun record in about a month!

Security guy 1: I know. It's so strange, though. These guys just seem to WANT to be shot.

Security guy 2: I know. It's just so weird, ya know.

Security guy 1: Hey, I'm having a poker game at my place tomorrow night. Wanna come? There'll be free food!

Security guy 2: Heck yeah! I'll see if Max an-

Daru: CAN YOU JUST GRAB THE POOR GUY, OR DO I HAVE TO HURT YOU TWO!? MUST I REMIND YOU WHO SIGNS THE CHECKS AROUND HERE!?

Both security guys: *SIGH* Yes, boss…*they both lug the heckler offstage, muttering bad words that I can't write here*

Daru: Thank you. Now, on to the plan. In case you skipped through the chapters of this fic with no shame or remorse like some common dung beetle, here are the contestants!

Contestants are as follows:

Ruto: Sage of water. Age: 17

Quote: "As long as I'm with Link, I'll be fine!"

Zelda: Princess of Hyrule. Age: 17

Quote: "I hope I don't lose my makeup kit!"

Skullkid: Weirdo who lives the Lost Woods. Age: 17 (That's right. 17. Any questions?)

Quote: "I hope GGGuy doesn't remember that I know every inch of Termina and Hyrule by heart!"

Darmani: Current leader of the Termina Goron tribe. Age: 41

Quote: "Everyone likes Saria's song where I come from. I'm bringing a tape of it so I can listen to it all the time!"

Ganondorf: Big bad guy, never seems to die. Age: 49

Quote: "If I win, I'm getting a nose job!"

Raru: Sage of light. Age: 438

Quote: "You know, I think that this whole thing is a great idea. After all, what a better way to find out if we can work together then to get lost somewhere in the middle of an unfamiliar place with no supplies or weapons! I mean, people today are so soft. When I was young, I worked out quite often. But then I hit 100, and my metabolism changed like THAT. So now I'm really fat and ugly, but I'm on a diet plan that promise that I'll go into the normal weight range in roughly two years. But frankly, I haven't seen any difference. I still look like a big chicken burrito in a robe. I like chicken, but it isn't on the diet plan…"

Saria: Sage of Forest. Age: 17

Quote: "I hope I get a good partner. I hope GGGuy doesn't match me up with someone like Ruto."

Link: Hero of time. Age: 17 (noticing that most people here are 17?)

Quote: "As long as I'm not with Ruto, I'll be happy."

Daru: That was BEFORE they were matched with their partners. They've been with their partners for two days now. Now, here's how the teams are doing!

Status check

Ruto and Saria: Rupee amount: 120.

Location: Gerudo Desert, Hyrule.

Getting along: Maybe.

Currently have their bonus and clue, and are now roaming the gerudo desert with absolutely no idea where they're going.

Darmani and Zelda: Rupee amount: 20.

Location: Ikana Canyon, Termina.

Getting along: Not really.

Currently exploring Ikana canyon, they still have no idea where they are.

Ganondorf and Raru: Rupee amount: 20.

Location: Snowhead Temple area, Termina.

Getting along: What do YOU think? I mean, the big-nosed king of evil and a way-too-talkative old man with a weight problem do NOT mix.

They are currently still where they started, with no idea where they are.

Link and Skullkid: Rupee amount: 20.

Location: Zora's Domain, Hyrule.

Getting along: Probably.

Currently are trapped in Zora's Domain because they both would know exactly how to get to Hyrule castle if they were not contained. In order to keep them away from the prize and give the other teams a fighting chance, they must solve a puzzle to gain access to the 100-rupee bonus and clue. In order to escape, they must first complete all the Zelda games in the order of which they occurred in time, dieing only a maximum of five times in total. 

Link and Skullkid's other options are: Listen to "KING ZORA'S GREATEST HITS, NOW DIGITALLY REMASTERED," or "Raru's Pointless stories. These will have you banging your head against the wall! Bore friends, relatives, family, and the occasional annoying fairy, without causing (Well, not much) long-term brain damage!"

Daru: Now, without further ado, let's see what they're doing now! Roll the footage!

Darmani and Zelda's day

Scene: Morning, day three. Ikana canyon. Darmani is curled up in a ball, while Zelda is in her sleeping bag. 

Zelda: *yawn* Mornin' Darm.

Darmani: *grunts, but doesn't get up*

Zelda: Wake up. We've got a big day today. I can feel it.

Darmani: Shut up and let me sleep. I ate too many rocks yesterday…

Zelda: Lazy bum. Well, I'd better go find some food…

*Zelda walks off towards Sakons's hideout*

Zelda: Doo-de-doo-doo-doo…*Looking for fish at the river's edge*

*Sakon walks up behind her and pushes her into the river*

Zelda: EEK! HELP ME! *Gets washed downstream into the Southern Swamp area*

Sakon: *Grins that GAY grin* MEHEEHEEHEE! *Prances off to god knows where*

(Meanwhile, at Zelda and Darmani's campsite…)

Darmani: *Listening to Saria's song on his tape player, dancing like a drunk mongoose* DOO DEE DOO! DOO DEE DOO! DOO DOOT DOOT DEE DOO DOO DEE DOO DOO DOO! DOO DOO DOO DOOOOO…Hey, wait a second, where's Zelda? *Listens for a second to see if he can hear her* Oh, well. I can't hear her. Too bad for her. Oh, well, it's not like some retarded bald thief with big ears that prances around like a constipated baboon on Sweet n' Low and grins all the time like he's got a piece of watermelon propped sideways in his mouth will push her into the river or anything. She's probably just taking a leak. I shouldn't worry about it. She'll be back soon, I'll bet. Now, where did I put that rock sirloin?

(At that moment, in the southern swamp)

Zelda: *At the bottom of the waterfall, soaked to the bone, and is brushing herself off* Man, who was that guy? I wonder if he's related to windmill guy? *Squeezes a ton of water out of her socks* Where am I now? I wish Impa were here. I'm hungry, and quite frankly I don't smell very good.

Weird voice above: HEEHEEHEEHEE!

Zelda: Wha-…ACK! *Gets hit by Koume, who is on a broom*

Koume: Whoops! Sorry!

Zelda: (Dazed) Duuuuuuuuhhhh…could somebody get the license number of that space shuttle? Duuuuhhhhh…

Koume: Are you all right? I'm so sorry, we just got a Qudditch field installed. (a/n: I love that sport. I wish Nintendo or some other video game company would make a it into a video game or something.)

Zelda: Wha? What happened?

Koume: It's all right, I'll help you…(Screaming) KOTAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I need a potion!!!!!!!

*Kotake comes down on her broom, looking annoyed*

Kotake: What is it?

Koume: I need one red potion NOW!

Kotake: Here! Take it! *Hands a red potion to Koume*

Koume: Thanks! *Gives potion to Zelda, who takes it, but moments later turns into a fifteen-foot-tall yellow bunny with a weight problem*

Kotake: Oh, wait, that's my experimental potion. Here's the real one!

Koume: *Takes red potion from Kotake and glares at her* Don't mess around with my potion ingredients, Kotake. I'm on to you!

*Kotake sticks her tongue out at her sister*

Koume: Grrrrr…*Gives potion to a now very confused Zelda, who turns back into herself*

Zelda: I had the most horrible day! I was in a horrible reality fanfic, and I was stranded in the middle of nowhere with no food and Darmani as my partner! Then I got turned into a BUNNY! IT WAS AWFUL! BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! *Breaks down into tears*

Koume: She's one taco short of combination plate.

Kotake: This one's nuts. 

Koume: Flew the coop.

Kotake: Lost her marbles.

Koume: Shut up.

Kotake: No, you shut up.

Koume: No, you shut up!

Kotake: No, you shut up!

Koume: I think we should find out how she got here.

Koume: Good idea. (To Zelda) Who are you?

Zelda: *Calming down* Princess Zelda.

Koume: Why are you here?

Zelda: I'm on a reality fanfic! I have to get home to win!

Koume: And is anyone here with you?

Zelda: Yes. A Goron named Darmani.

Koume: Where is he?

Zelda: In that canyon. He probably doesn't even know I'm gone!

Koume: All right, calm down. (To Koume) Find this Goron and bring him here. And no tricks, okay?

Kotake: Fine. Should I pick up some slim fast bars for you, too?

Koume: I don't care. Just move. 

Kotake: I'm going, I'm going…*Gets on broom and flies away*

Koume: Come on, up to the house, you'll be safe there…

(At this moment, Darmani is currently unaware that any of this has happened. And quite frankly, he couldn't care less.

Darmani: *Bent over, eating a large rock* MUNCH CRUNCH! CRUNCH! MUNCH! GOBBLEGOBBLEGOBBLEGOBBLE GULP! CHEWCHEWCHEWCHEW  
CHEWCHEW!  
  


*Kotake flies overhead*

Kotake: Where is that Goron, anyway? *Flies low to the ground* Zelda said he was around here somewhe-…ACK! *Not paying attention, Kotake flies headlong into Darmani's back, breaking her broom*

Darmani: *Looks up, but decides that nothing happened and continues to eat* CRUNCHCRUNCHCRUNCH! MUNCH GULP! GOBBLEGOBBLEGOBBLEGOBBLEBURP! CHEWCHEWCHEWCHEWCHEWCHEW!

Kotake: *Dazed * Owwwwwwwwwwwwww…What happened?

Darmani: *Turns around* Hullo. Who are you? Want some rocks?

Kotake: Hi. I'm Kotake, the swamp tour guide from downriver. I don't want rocks, thanks, but I need you to come with me. Zelda's been injured.

Darmani: Ah. So THAT'S why she was taking so long.

Kotake: I'd take you on my broom, but when I crashed into your rear end it got broken. We'll have to go down the river.

Darmani: I can't swim!

Kotake: Then you'd better learn how to quickly, because you have no choice!

Darmani: Oh, all right…*Jumps in river, and sinks like…a rock*

Kotake: Are you okay?

Darmani: (Underwater) Mmmm-mm-mmmm-mm-mmm-mm-mm-m-mm-mmm-m!

Kotake: What? You want me to push you down the river? Oh, fine…

Darmani: Mm-m.

Kotake: You're welcome. *Dives underwater and pushes Darmani so he rolls underwater the rest of the way*

Darmani: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!! *Rolls down the river*

Kotake: Geez, he was heavy. What did he eat, anyway? Cement? …Oh, wait, that is what he ate. Silly me. *Flies through the tunnel to the southern swamp*

(Southern Swamp. Darmani falls onto the ground under the waterfall, breaking the ground in the process)

Darmani: Uhhhh…What happened?

Koume: Oh, good, you're here. Zelda is waiting for you. Ah, here she comes now.

*Zelda comes running out of the potion shop towards Darmani*

Darmani: Hi Zelda! Miss me?

Zelda: Why you fat, lazy…

*Zelda runs up to Darmani, and attempts to slap him, but Darmani raises his hand and blocks it*

Darmani: AH-HA! And Darmani blocks the hit! See Zelda, I'm using your strength against you! Not so cocky now, are yo-

Zelda: *Grabs Darmani's hand and uses it to slap him repeatedly* See Darmani, I'm using your hand to slap you silly!

Darmani: Ow…ow…stop, that hurts! …Ow…ow…

Zelda: Thanks, I'm done now. *Stops slapping Darmani*

Darmani: *Rubbing his face in pain* Wow, the Elder was right, my hands ARE dangerous weapons! 

Zelda: Now, could you witches tell us where we are, please?

Koume: You're in Termina. This region is the Southern Swamp.

Zelda: Thanks. Wait, aren't we supposed to get some rupees and a clue?

Daru: Here are your rupees, and your clue is "Go Around."

Zelda: Thanks. Wait a second…where did you come from?

Daru: I can Apparate! Watch! *Dissaparates with a small 'pop'* (a/n: For any of you who don't know, Apparation is a Harry Potter thing. If you can do it properly, you can vanish from one place and appear in another instantly.)

Zelda: Lucky guy.

Koume: Kotake can give you a tour if you want!

Zelda: No, I don't think we-

Darmani: YESYESYESYESYESYES! Please, Zelda, Please?

Zelda: Oh, shut up, you're a grown Goron. Don't be so immature. (To Kotake) We'll take two tickets, please!

Kotake: Okay. That'll be thirty rupees!

Zelda: Fine, here you go…*Give rupees to Kotake*

Kotake: Thank you. Now, if you'll just sign this waver saying that this whole going on the tour thing was your idea?

Zelda: I don't like the sound of this 'waver', but fine. *Signs waver*

Kotake: Smoking section or non-smoking section?

Koume: Kotake, it's a ship about two meters long.

Kotake: No, no, part of the ship's smoking. Some Deku scrubs set it on fire last night.

Koume: Again? Those punk Deku gangs will do anything to get a thrill…

Zelda: Can we go now?

Kotake: Yep. Get on the ship.

Zelda: What ship?

Kotake: Whoops. *Snaps fingers and ship appears* That better?

Zelda:   Okay! Let's go!

*Both Zelda and Darmani get on board, Darmani sinking his half of the boat*

Zelda: Let's go. And go slowly. I get seasick.

*The boat sails all the way around the swamp*

Zelda: That was actually fun!

Darmani: (Queasy sounding, wobbling from side to side) Yeah…_really_ fun…Bleahhhh…*Spews chunks, in this case rocks*

Zelda: Come on, wuss, let's keep going. There has to be more to this place.

Darmani: Coming…Bleahhhh…

*Both walk out of the Swamp area, to the stretch of land that separates the swamp from Termina field*

Zelda: This is strange.

Darmani: Uhhhh…yeah. Hey, look! It's that weird fairy guy! *Points to Tingle again, who is hovering in that one place he's always at in the swamp area*

Zelda: Oh great, not HIM again. Let's just sneak under him.

*Both walk quietly beneath him*

Zelda: That went well! Come on, let's see if we can find a place to stay.

Darmani: And a rock bar!

Zelda: Stop it with the rock-obsessed thing, okay?

Darmani: But I LIKE rocks!

*Both walk to Termina field, Darmani puking a few more times as they do so*

Zelda: Look, Darm! Civilization!

Darmani: Look! Pretty colors!

Zelda: What?

Darmani: Nothing.

Zelda: Let's go!

*Both of them walk into Clock town, now more modern than in MM. The milk bar is public, and a rock sirloin joint has opened in place of the treasure chest shop. *

Darmani: What a big clock…

Zelda: A hotel! And look, a milk bar!

Darmani: A rock sirloin joint! ROCKS!

Zelda: Let's check into the hotel first. Plenty of time to eat later.

Darmani: But I wanna EAT!

Zelda: We'll eat after we're done checking in.

Darmani: Okay…

*Both walk into the Stock Pot Inn, which is absent of the usually present Anju*

Zelda: Is anybody there?

Anju's voice: Coming!

*Hurried footsteps are heard from upstairs*

A Man's voice: Come back when you're done, Anju! We're not done yet, you know!

Anju: I will, honey! *Runs downstairs, hastily buttoning her dress as she runs down*

Anju: Ah, customers!

Zelda: We'd like to get a room? (a/n: Not that, you sickos!)

Anju: Do you have a reservation?

Darmani: *Cutting in* Yes. The Name's "Darmani," checking in between six a.m. and six p.m.

Anju: Ah, yes, here you are. Here's your key. *Runs back upstairs* Here I come, dear!

Zelda: You had a reservation? But how?

Darmani: I overheard Daru talking to GGGuy about the show, and how it would be a good idea to book a reservation. He doesn't know I heard him yet, though.

Daru: (Apparates behind Darmani) I do now, you big cheating oaf! *Kicks Darmani in the groin and Dissaparates*

Darmani: OwOwOwOwOw…*Whimper*

Zelda: You shouldn't have cheated. But good work anyway. Come on, let's go get something to eat.

Darmani: You can go eat your nasty food and milk. I'll go eat some rock sirloin!

Zelda: Okay. Meet you here in 3 hours.

*Camera follows Zelda as she walks into the milk bar. A band is playing on the stage, and about 30 people or so are talking to each other in small groups or eating*

Zelda: (To bartender, who's out of the camera's range) Hey! Bartend! Milk and a rare steak, if you please! *Sits down at bar*

*A whole, live cow comes sliding down the counter towards Zelda, who avoids it at the last second, and crashes with a 'moo!' down at the other end*

Zelda: THAT'S NOT FUNNY!

Bartender: You said rare!

Zelda: Then make it a medium!

*Milk and a plate of steak come sliding down from the direction of the bartender*

Zelda: Thank you! Here's the cash! *Hands the bartender a 50-rupee gem*

*Zelda continues to eat, unaware that a Zora and a Deku Scrub are checking her out. In a spasm of curiosity, the camera guy decides to gets close enough to hear them without them knowing it*

Deku: She's hot!

Zora: I wish that were what my girl looked like.

Deku: Then dump your girlfriend and go after her! If you don't, I will!

Zora: You, get her to go out with you? No way!

Deku: I bet fifty rupees I can get her to go out with me by tomorrow morning!

Zora: You're on! Get out your wallet!

*Deku walks up to Zelda*

Deku: Hi, my name's Acua. I couldn't help but notice that you're all alone!

Zelda: Yeah. I'm on a reality fanfiction. I have to get home to win.

Acua: Really? That's too bad.

Zelda: Shouldn't you be getting home? It's late, and your mommy and daddy will get worried. *In background, the Zora starts to crack up bad*

Acua: Actually, I'm 18.

Zelda: Of course you are. And I'm a horse's rear end.

Acua: If that's how you want to play, then yes, I am 18, and you ARE a horse's rear end!

Zelda: YOU LITTLE BAST***!!!!! *Starts choking Acua, while in the background the Zora is now rolling on the floor laughing*

Acua: Let…me...down…owie…stop…that…I'm…choking…

*Zelda throws Acua clear across the bar, who crashes headfirst into the drum of the band onstage. After pulling himself free, he rushes back to his Zora friend and hides behind him*

Zora: Hee hee hee hee…that was great…Now pay up, Acua.

Acua: Fine…*Pays the Zora*

Zora: Thanks. Now watch the master.

Acua: I don't think so. She might insult you, you know. She seems selective.

Zora: I'll take my chances. *Walks over to Zelda*

Zora: Sorry about my little friend. He's not used to asking people out much. My name's Natal Kudro. What's yours?

Zelda: I'm Zelda.

Natal: That's a nice name. Do you come here often?

Zelda: No. I'm on a reality fanfiction. I have to get home to win the prize.

Natal: Ouch. I hate those types of fics.

Zelda: I do too. They always end up with me being a love-starved loser that most people hate.

Natal: I don't think that could be possible. You're much too beautiful to be hated by everybody. I'm sure many people like you.

Zelda: Name one.

Natal: Me.

Zelda: Really?

Natal: Yeah. 

Zelda: That's so sweet!

Natal: Listen, would you like to go with me to the Indi-go-gos concert tomorrow? I have two tickets, but nobody seems to want to go with me.

Zelda: Sure! I love concerts! What time?

Natal: Three o' clock tomorrow. I'll wait outside the hotel.

Zelda: Great! I'll be there!

Natal: Okay! *Checks watch* I gotta go. Don't be late, Zelda!

Zelda: I won't!

*Natal walks back over to Acua, who is paying their check*

Natal: Guess who just got a date for tomorrow?!

Acua: She said yes?

Natal: Yeah. Is she looking at me right now?

Acua: Looking at your @$$, I think. Where are you two going?

Natal: That concert I was talking about earlier.

Acua: YOU HAD TICKETS AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME?! I'VE WANTED TO GO TO THAT CONCERT FOR MONTHS!!

Natal: You didn't ask. Let's go home. I'm tired, and I think my deodorant failed a few minutes ago.

Acua: Trust me, it did. I can smell you from here!

*Both walk out the door*

Zelda: What a nice guy. I can't believe that Deku Scrub, though. Talk about not being able to take a joke!

*Zelda finishes her steak and leaves the bar, going outside where Darmani is waiting for her*

Darmani: (Pissed off) Couldn't take any longer, could you? I've been out here for a half an hour!

Zelda: Why didn't you just go in?

Darmani: Because you have the keys, genius!

Zelda: Oh.

Darmani: Did you have fun? I got a badly done rock, so I complained to the manager. I must've said something wrong, because next thing I know he picks up a table and breaks it over my head! Then I passed out, and when I came to, I was lying out in the street, and two kids in bandannas with numbers on their backs were poking me with sticks! I chased them clear across the field before I caught the little brats, and by that time, I was hungry. The manager wouldn't let me back in the restaurant, so I had to eat sweet n' low and graham crackers for dinner!

Zelda: Ouch. That really bites. I had a great time at the milk bar.

Darmani: Why?

Zelda: Because I got asked out by this cool Zora!

Darmani: Somehow, I don't like the idea of you going out with a entirely different species.

Zelda: Oh well, you only live once.

Darmani: Of course you do! And I don't care.

Zelda: Come on, you ugly boulder, Let's go get some sleep.

*They walk into the Inn*

Zelda: Where's our room again?

Darmani: The knife chamber on the second floor.

Zelda: Okay.

Darmani: Got your key?

Zelda: *Pats her pocket* Yep.

*Both of them go up to their room*

Darmani: Well, this is the most dilapidated room I've ever seen.

Zelda: I'll say. You can hear the people next door!

*Noises that may be too…inappropriate for younger readers can indeed be heard from the room next door*

Darmani: How will we ever get to sleep with them making all that noise in there? I can't hear myself think!

Zelda: Ooh, there's a tragedy. I'll go see if I can talk to them about quieting down.

*Zelda knocks on the staff room door*

Zelda: Hello? Could you quiet down in there? *The door opens* EEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKK!!!! That's not RIGHT!!!! *Zelda runs back into her hotel room*

Darmani: Need I ask what just happened?

Zelda: *Extremely pale* If you know what's good for you, then no. I think I've been scarred for life

Darmani: All right, time for sleep. *Curls into ball*

Zelda: Yeah, you're right. Night. *Hops into the bed and falls asleep after a while*

Ganondorf and Raru's day

Scene: Morning, Termina, Snowhead temple area. Raru is sound asleep on the ground, partially covered by snow. Ganondorf is in his sleeping bag.

Ganondorf: *Yawn* WAKE UP, YOU TUB OF LARD!

Raru: *Wakes up and digs himself out of the pile of snow* Ah, good morning, Ganondorf. What a nice day it is.

Ganondorf: Shut up, you bag of crap.

Raru: Well, well, SOMEBODY'S touchy in the morning!

Ganondorf: I'm not a morning person. I need caffeine to wake me up sometimes.

Raru: Have you tried sweet n' low or pep pills?

Ganondorf: That stuff's nasty. I don't think…Hey, WAIT A SECOND! Why haven't you started one of your long, boring stories?

Raru: Good point. But you don't need to be so mean about it. I swear, I knew someone just like you when I was three. Never wanted to play, he did. Just sat in a corner, glared at us and planned his strategy for world domination. Evil little kid, he was. Loved to play pranks, though. He would try to ambush us every chance he got, but never succeeded. He…

Ganondorf: THAT'S ENOUGH!!!!! I'M AWAKE NOW!!!! JUST STOP THE TALKING!!!!!!!!

Raru: Got any food on you, by any chance?

Ganondorf: NO.

Raru: Darn.

Ganondorf: Didn't you find a cabin up the trail a bit?

Raru: Yep. Big one. Owned by a blacksmith.

Ganondorf: Oh, god no. No way. I'm not going in there.

Raru: Why not?

Ganondorf: Uh, well…oh, fine, I'm afraid of blacksmiths. Happy?

Raru: (Bored tone of voice) Immensely. If I were any happier, I'd be twins.

Ganondorf: I pray that was just a figure of speech.

Raru: It isn't. I can make a copy of myself if I want.

Ganondorf: Spare my life and don't.

Raru: Why are you afraid of blacksmiths?

Ganondorf: Long story. Here's what happened: I was three years old at the time…

(Flashback)

(Scene: Koume and Kotake are at what appears to be a small cottage in the desert. Kotake is doing the dishes, while in the background Koume is trying to get a baby Ganondorf to eat.)

Koume: Come on, Ganny! Open up!

Baby Ganondorf: NO!

Kotake: Koume, you've been trying to get him to eat for an hour. Will you ever stop?

Koume: Not until Ganondorf has eaten his banana pudding. Come on, Ganny, one bite?

Baby Ganondorf: NO!

Kotake: You DO realize that he only knows two words, Koume?

Koume: And those are?

Kotake: "No" and "Beheaded"

Koume: Where'd he learn "Beheaded?"

Kotake: Two days ago at the gym. I accidentally beheaded a guy with my broom, and Ganondorf was there. He must have picked up the word there.

Koume: Why didn't you tell me? I'm his mother!

Kotake: Correction, we are both his mother.

Koume: Oh yeah.

Baby Ganondorf: (Throwing banana pudding everywhere in a fit.) NO BEHEADED! NO!

Koume: Calm down, Ganny, calm down. He seems so upset. I think we should take him somewhere.

Kotake: How about that carnival in Hyrule Market? That sounds like fun.

Koume: Okay. You buy the tickets tomorrow.

Kotake: Why me? I'm flat broke! YOU have all the money!

Koume: Oh, FINE. I'll buy the tickets. Happy?

Kotake: Yep!

(Two days later, carnival at Hyrule marketplace. Koume is carrying Ganondorf, while Kotake is looking at a brochure.)

Kotake: Looks like they've got a great lineup of entertainment. They've booked the Deku orchestra and a Zora band-

(Just then, hyper guy with white face paint, a pair of bell-bottoms, and a shirt that reads "Got Potter?" runs by)

Weird Guy: HAPPY happy! Mcfargld Al Gores banana breaded codfish! GO AROUND! I like to eat horse manure on rye bread with mayo and garlic! Bingo! Uh oh, spaghettios! NEE NER NEE NER NEE NER! Everybody samba! MOUSES AMUSE ME! Love's professions when uttered in Hessians! Purple monkey horse plop-technological CDs! HAPPY! Happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Koume: Oh god, a drunk performer.

Kotake: No, actually, I think that's the village idiot. Either that or he's the creator of Conker's bad fur day. I can't tell. He must be on something. (a/n: No offense to any Rareware fans or programmers, I just couldn't find any other people who fit this description.)

Koume: Let's move somewhere else, okay?

Kotake: Okay. *Both move to a different part of the carnival*

Koume: Oh, Look! A blacksmith shop! I always wanted to visit one sometime!

Kotake: This might be a good learning experience for Ganondorf. Let's have a look.

*All three of them walk into the smith shop*

Koume: It sure is hot in here.

Kotake: I suppose you get used to it.

Blacksmith who strangely resembles Fat Illegitimate child: (Speaking in a heavy Scottish accent, in case you don't know how he talks) Hello, yeh tiny women! And a baby!

Kotake: We'd like to see what exactly you do here.

BWSRFIC: Not much. We pound metal and apply deodorant to our underarms, mostly.

Koume: (Dr. Evil impression) Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight…Charming…

Kotake: Why don't you give us a tour of this…uh…_cozy_ little hut?

BWSRFIC: Okay. But yeh have ta leave yer baby here.

Kotake: Why?

BWSRFIC: 'Cause they're annoying! Now, if yeh'll just go into the back room and wait. I'll be there after I'm done, k?

Koume: Okay…*Both witches walk into the back room, leaving BWSRFIC alone with Baby Ganondorf*

BWSRFIC: All right. Now, how do yeh prepare cucco fer six? *Thumbs through various cookbooks by the furnace*

Baby Ganondorf: Fat man!

BWSRFIC: What didja call me, yeh little twerp?

Baby Ganondorf: Beheaded fat man! Fat man!

BWSRFIC: Why yeh little drooling insect! I'm superior ta yeh! Eat frying pan, midget! *Picks up a frying pan and tries to hit Baby Ganondorf with it, but misses* (a/n: He's dumb, AND he can't hit a baby at close range. What a loser.)

Baby Ganondorf: No no fat man! Fat man! No!

BWSRFIC: I'll kill yeh! *Swings frying pan again, but Baby Ganondorf dodges it and crawls away*

Baby Ganondorf: Fat man! Fat beheaded man! No!

(Meanwhile, in the back room…Koume and Kotake are sitting under a window that looks into the main room, looking at a wall and waiting. Through the window, the blacksmith and Baby Ganondorf can be seen clearly)

Kotake: I wonder what's keeping him.

Koume: What a weight problem he has. He should be on slim-fast.

*Loud crashing noises are heard from the kitchen, combined with a few more assortments of "No!" "Fat man!" and "Beheaded!" from Baby Ganondorf. Koume and Kotake don't notice this at all. *

Koume: Maybe we should sign him up for Jenny Craig.

Kotake: I'm sure he'll lose pounds when he's ready. How would you feel if someone signed you up for something you didn't want to go to?

Koume: Good point.

*More crashes from the kitchen*

Kotake: Maybe he's taking a shower.

*In the window above Koume and Kotake, Baby Ganondorf is being chased by BWSRFIC, who is actually going SLOWER than Baby Ganondorf, now wielding a teapot and yelling what seem to be cuss words*

Koume: Well, whatever he's doing, I wish he'd hurry.

*A huge crash from the kitchen is heard as the blacksmith crashes into the wall, causing an assortment of pots, pans, and bricks to fall down from the ceiling, crashing on top of him. *

BWSRFIC: AHHH!!!!!!!!!

Koume: What was that?

*Baby Ganondorf crawls into the back room*

Kotake: Ganny! Where's the blacksmith, though?

*All three of them walk out into the front room*

Kotake: *Looking at BWSRFIC* What the heck happened to him?

Koume: Did YOU do that, Ganny?

Baby Ganondorf: Yes you $**(#* $&$@(%&^(! !#$#$#$! #  !@#$#$$%!!!%^!$&**!^*$!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Koume: He's learned a bunch of new words!

Kotake: He did a good job of getting rid of that blacksmith, too! All 400lbs of him are knocked out!

Kotake: Good boy Ganny! Yes you are! Yes you are!

(End flashback)

Ganondorf: …And that's why I'm afraid of blacksmiths.

Raru: Hm? Oh, sorry to hear it. But we've got to ask someone about where we are. So just control yourself.

Ganondorf: Oh…fine.

*After much deliberation, stress, a few boring stories, and a snowball attack, Ganondorf and Raru make their way down to the cabin. They are outside the door of the cabin when the camera turns back to them*

Raru: Now, just mind your manners, and you'll be all right.

Ganondorf: (Very nervous) All right. Manners. Manners manners manners. Mind my manners. Got it.

Raru: *Opens the door* Hi! Anybody home?

Huge blacksmith: Ugo! Ugo ugo ugo ugo! Ugo ugo!

Weird guy on the bench: What? Customers? Why hello! Would you like your sword sharpened today?

Raru: Actually, we need some advice. First, where are we?

WGOTB: Oh. You're in the Snowhead Mountains. That help?

Raru: Yeah. We're supposed to get money for finding out where we are, though, but I don't see any-

*At that exact moment, Daru apparates next to Raru*

Daru: Congrats. Here are your rupees. Your clue is "Fanfics" Goodbye. *Disapparates*

Raru: Well, that was awkward. Can you give us a place to stay the night?

WGOTB: No, but I'm sure the Gorons will. Go see them.

Raru: That we will. Come on, Ganondorf.

Ganondorf: Anything to get out of here.

*They both walk outside*

Raru: Let's go see the Gorons and see what they can do for us!

Ganondorf: I don't think I'll volunteer for any more fics after this is done…

*They both walk all the way Goron city*

Ganondorf: Why doesn't the author go more into detail when we walk a long way?

Raru: That question will remain a mystery.

Friendly Goron: Hullo. Are ya here to buy a powder keg?

Raru: Oh, what the heck. Sure. Gimme the dang thing.

Friendly Goron: That'll be fifty rupees.

Raru: Fine…*Dishes out the moo-lah*

Ganondorf: Could you tell us where we can stay the night, you knucklehead?

Friendly Goron: I dunno. You'll have to ask Daru.

Raru: Daru's HERE?

Friendly Goron: Absolutely. He gets homesick, so he comes home occasionally. He's here right now. I'll get him, if you want.

Raru: You do that.

Friendly Goron: Steve! Get Daru!

Steve: Fred! Get Daru!

Fred: Hank! Get Daru!

Hank: NO!

Fred: Hank says no!

Steve: Hank says no!

Friendly Goron: Hank say- Oh, screw this. I'll go get him myself.

*Daru apparates next to Raru*

Daru: I heard Fred shouting. What's up?

Friendly Goron: These two would like to stay the night.

Daru: You two again? Oh, fine. You can stay in the main hall.

Raru: Oh well, at least its shelter.

Ganondorf: Let's go. I'm tired, and I smell. I need a bath desperately.

Raru: Couldn't agree with you more.

Ruto and Saria's day

Scene: Somewhere in the Gerudo desert. Ruto is lying face down in the sand, while Saria is sleeping in her sleeping bag.

Ruto: *Wakes up* Mmmm…Get up Saria, we need to keep going.

Saria: (Half-asleep) Uh…I wouldn't open the jar of peanut butter without knowing the expiration date, Mido…It could smell bad…

Ruto: WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!

Saria: Wha? Who? What? When? Where? Why? How?

Ruto: We've got to pack up and move again!

Saria: Okay…*Rolls up her sleeping bag* Where are we?

Ruto: We're lost. I have no idea where we are in the desert.

Saria: *Gets up and walks around* Well, we need to use logical thinking. Where did Daru pu-*Not paying attention, she walks into a pole* (a/n: Yes, there ARE poles in that desert.)

Ruto: Are you all right? Speak to me!

Saria: (Dazed) I'm freeeee…nothin's worryin' me…

Ruto: Snap out of it!

Saria: (Still dazed) Barney is a dinosaur, from our imagination…

Ruto: *Slaps Saria* Wake up!

Saria: (Now normal) Thanks. I needed that.

Ruto: About time. Let's just walk around and see what happens.

Saria: Okay.

Ruto: Where do you think the others could be?

Saria: I'm guessing they're probably as lost as we are. It's not like GGGuy to give hard tasks to people he hates. (a/n: Yes it is, and they know It. ^_^)

Ruto: You're probably right. They're just as lost as we are. Be optimistic. That's what'll get us through this.

Saria: You're right. An optimistic attitude is just what we nee- *Not paying attention (Again) Ruto and Saria fall into a sand-covered pit*

Ruto: Ow…

Saria: I'm officially in pain…

*About thirteen Gerudos crowd around the pit*

Random Gerudo 1: We've got some prisoners!

Random Gerudo 2: One seems a bit small, if you ask me.

Random: Gerudo 3: Nobody ASKED you.

Random Gerudo 4: Yeah. Don't ruin it for the rest of us.

Random Gerudo 2: Fine! Sorry for being honest!

Random Gerudo 1: Let's drag them to the fortress.

Random Gerudo 3: Might as well.

*All thirteen Gerudo drag Ruto and Saria back to the Gerudo Fortress*

(In the easily escapable prison that Link was put into during Oot)

Ruto: Where are we?

Random Gerudo Guard: You're in the easily escapable prison from Oot!

Saria: Wow, that was specific. Can you let us out?

RGG: Nope.

Ruto: That sucks.

RGG: LIFE sucks, kid.

Saria: Let's think of a way to get out of here.

Ruto: I know! Let's stand on top of each other and see if we can climb out the window!

Saria: Great idea!

*They stand on top of each other, but the plan doesn't work because Saria is too short, and because Ruto is a lot heavier then her. *

Ruto: That didn't work.

Saria: What did you eat, anyway? Lead?

Ruto: Well, I ate tuna. That's got mercury in it.

Saria: Lead, Mercury, same difference.

Ruto: Any ideas? I'm all out.

Saria: We could try to trick the guards.

Ruto: Okay. Pretend to be hurt. (To guards up above) Hey! I think she hurt herself!

RGG: Not my problem.            

Ruto: Aren't you going to come down here so we can knock you out like some poor pathetic @$$-hole?

RGG: Nope.

Ruto: Not even come close so we can grab your keys?

RGG: In case you didn't notice, the only way in or out for you is this hole in the ceiling. I don't have keys. I don't even know why I'm bothering to guard you. All the other Gerudos are having a bachelor party, and I'm missing out.

Ruto: Then go. We won't miss you any more then we do now.

Saria: Can I stop acting hurt yet?

Ruto: Yes.

RGG: Oh, screw this. I'm going to the bachelor party with the rest of the girls. See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya.

Ruto: Perfect! Now, let's slip away!

Saria: How?

Ruto: By unraveling part of your sleeping bag, we can make a rope that we can climb!

Saria: Great idea! *Starts unraveling some of her sleeping bag* I'll just take a little bit off…

(12 minutes later…)

Saria: …There! That's enough for now!

Ruto: Took you long enough.

Saria: Shut up.

Ruto: Now, can we try to escape?

Saria: Let me just tie the ends together.

Ruto: Will that make it stronger?

Saria: I think so.

Ruto: Okay. I'll help.

Saria: How will we get up to the ceiling?

Ruto: That's easy. Just take off your belt for a second.

Saria: No! I'm not taking off anything, perv!

Ruto: Relax. I just need the buckle to use as a weight.

Saria: Oh. Okay then. *Hands Ruto her belt*

Ruto: Thank you! *Ties the belt to the sleeping bag-rope*

Saria: You're SURE this will work?

Ruto: Positive. *Throws the "Grappling hook" at the hole in the ceiling, but misses by about a foot. The belt buckle-weight comes down at top speed on top of Saria. *

Saria: Ow…

Ruto: Oh goddesses! Are you all right, Saria?

Saria: (Unconscious) Duuuuhhhhh…Did I fail the spelling test, Mrs. Dijon ketchup gutted cod? …Duuuuhhhhh…

Ruto: Wow, she sure is accident-prone.

Saria: I'm okay…ow…

Ruto: Oh, good, you're awake. I'll try again.

Saria: I'll stand waaaaayy over here. *Walks to the far corner of the room*

Ruto: Don't be silly, I won't hit you! *Throws the "Grappling hook" again, and it misses and falls on Saria yet again. *

Saria: Ow. That hurt even more.

Ruto: This isn't gong anywhere. Let's think.

Saria: (Under breath) You? Think? That's a first…

Ruto: I know! Let's try to climb out!

Saria: *SIGH* Fine…

*After several tries, Saria and Ruto get out of the prison. Now they realize how high up they are. *

Ruto: We'll never get down! Mommy! (Cries uncontrollably)

Saria: Don't lose your head. There's a way down. Let's try that door.

Ruto: (Stops crying) Okay…

*So, after a few wrong turns, a few mishaps, Ruto screaming at the top of her lungs and Saria nearly falling out of a window followed shortly by a few Gerudo attacks, they make it down to the ground level*

Ruto: That was scary.

Saria: Yeah, did you see how drunk that last Gerudo guard was? That party must've wiped them out!

Ruto: Now, how are we going to get out? There are probably guards at the exit, so we'll have to go without being seen.

Saria: Wait. This could be where we use the clue! GGGuy said our clue was, "Milk." There's gotta be a reason for that!

Ruto: Let's see…well, there could be a milk deliverer that might come here sometimes. Happened all the time at Zora's Domain.

Saria: Brilliant! We'll hide in the milk crates so when they get rid of them, we'll be able to escape!

Ruto: But there are no milk crates.

Saria: No problem. Look who just showed up…

*Talon is riding into the fortress in a milk wagon pulled by two horses. The milk wagon seems to be straining under Talon's weight*

Ruto: Perfect! He'll help us!

Saria: I'll go talk to him.  *Walks over to Talon*

Saria: Hi, Mr. Talon!

Talon: Hi Saria. Want some milk?

Saria: No. We need a ride to Hyrule castle.

Talon: That I can do without falling asleep. Hop on.

Saria: Thank you SO much. Ruto! Come on, he's taking us to Hyrule castle!

Ruto: All right!

Talon: Hold your horses. First I gotta make just one little delivery. Can you wait?

Ruto: I suppose.

Talon: Great. I'll be right back.

Saria: Don't take too long!

*Talon rides up to the fortress*

Saria: What a nice guy.

Ruto: He owes me a favor anyway.

Saria: Really?

Ruto: No.

*They wait an hour*

Ruto: Dang it, where is that freeloader?

*At this instant, Talon is helping the Gerudos with video games, drinking large quantities of what appears to be a milk-whiskey combination*

Saria: I hope he's not sleeping.

Ruto: Don't give up hope. It's only been an hour.

*They wait two more hours*

Saria: Where IS that bast***?

Ruto: I dunno.

Saria: I hope he's not sleeping.

*Talon is partying with the Gerudos now, drinking whiskey and having contests based on how much sweet 'n low a person can consume in a 30-second period*

Ruto: Let's not give up hope.

*Three hours and counting*

Saria: That son of a bitch is going to taste my fist when he gets out here!

Ruto: I'm starting to lose a LOT of patience.

*Talon is in a locked room in the fortress doing god knows what*

Saria: I say we go in there and find him.

Ruto: Let's give him one more hour.

*Two MORE hours have now passed*

Ruto: I am going to kill him. I swear it.

Saria: I say we suffocate him with a cow.

Ruto: I think we should just use pillows.

Saria: We could just tip the cow on top of him, you know.

Ruto: Now that I think of it, that IS a good idea.

*Talon is now completely passed out, and is thrown out of a window*

Saria: Ah, there he is!

Talon: Duh…I'm a big kid now…duh…

Ruto: He's drunk. We can't have drunk driver.

Saria: We'll have to stay the night.

Ruto: How? The guards are bound to come out at any time.

Saria: I'll see what they're doing.

Ruto: Good idea.

*Saria Goes over to a window, stands on her toes and looks in*

Saria: They're not doing anything. They all seem to be drunk. And-…Oh, god two of them are making out. That's horrible. I think I'll-…OH GOD! THAT'S NASTY! OH, GROSS! I'M SCARRED FOR LIFE! SICK! AND IT'S HAPPENING IN PLAIN VIEW, TOO! OH MY GOD!

Ruto: Something tells me I don't want to know what's going on in there.

Saria: OH GOD! I DIDN'T KNOW YOU COULD EVEN DO THAT WITH YOUR TONGUE! OR THAT!

Ruto: What, you don't have that kind of education in the Kokori forest?

Saria: *Walking away from the window, looking very shaken* Not like that, no. Ew…and to think that a guy only is born once every thousand years, too…

Ruto: Can we drop the subject and go to sleep, please?

Saria: Fine. Goodnight, Ruto.

*Talon pulls off a loud, wet fart*

Ruto: I think old drunken boy needs a hand.

Saria: I'll do it…*Rolls Talon as far away as possible from them*

Ruto: Ah…fresh air…

Saria: Well, it's not like the air's any better with him around. Shame we couldn't bring deodorant…

Ruto: Zzzzzzz….

Link and Skullkid's day

*Morning, Zora's Domain. Link is playing the Legend of Zelda, A Link to the Past game on a Nintendo. Skullkid is sleeping in a sleeping bag, playing a Game boy with The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening loaded in it. Daru apparates in front of the camera*

Daru: Well, another day here at Zora's Domain. In case you skipped the first and second chapters, along with most of the beginning of this chapter, (a/n: And you better have not. I spent a fair amount of time on those. And It took me even longer to write this chapter, and it will take me still LONGER to write the next one. So don't skip any of these.) We locked Link and Skullkid in Zora's Domain because at least one of them would know where they are, no matter where we put them. So, they have to solve a puzzle to escape. What's the puzzle, you ask? Simple. They have to play through ALL of the Zelda games in the order in which they occurred in time. Simple, right? WRONG. They can only die a maximum of FIVE TIMES total. If they die more than that, they have to replay the entire game that made them pass the five deaths maximum, this time without dieing more than…however many times they may have died. Not so simple NOW, is it? Now, let's check up on the contestants! Link, how far have you gotten, and what is your strategy?

Link: Well, we hope to finish the second and third games by tonight. Skullkid is a bit behind, owing to the fact that he was up last night finishing the first game. He died once, which is an amazing feat.

Daru: That's very, very interesting, Link. Now, how far are you in this game?

Link: I'm on the third level. (a/n: I don't know any of the levels in LTTP. I own the game, but I never owned an original Nintendo. I found my copy of LTTP at a garage sale for free. I've never played it.) I don't know how far Skullkid is, though.

Daru: Thank you, Link. Now, Skullkid, how far are you?

Skullkid: I'm waaaaaayyyy in dreamland…

Daru: What?

Skullkid: No, I like to eat bananas…

Daru: Skullkid, are you even awake?

Skullkid: I like Harry Potter. Do you like Harry Potter? Pikachus taste good with a white wine sauce…

Daru: Uh…right. He's obviously not awake.

Link: Not very quick to catch on, are you Daru?

Daru: Shut up. This doesn't concern you.

Link: Yes it does! I-…*A loud rumbling is heard from the upper level* Oh crap…

Daru: What?

Link: Help me put a tarp over the electrical equipment. Hurry.

Daru: Okay…*they both put a large tarp over the Nintendo*

Link: Thanks. Skullkid usually doesn't help me with that.

 Daru: No problem. Now, what was that rumbling, anyway? It sounded like it was…*at that exact second, Daru's question is answered. King Zora comes rolling out of the waterfall at top speed, bellowing like an orangutan with a wounded rear end. He crashes with tremendous force at the bottom of the waterfall, creating a massive tidal wave. *

Link: THAT is what I needed the tarp for.

Daru: (Dripping wet) I see…

Link: He's been doing that for a few hours now. I think he's trying to drain the Domain.

Daru: Ah…

King Zora: *Climbing out of the water* At last! Nobody to boss me around anymore, no sir!

Daru: Uh, I hate to break it to you…no wait, no I don't! You ARE the boss!

King Zora: Awww…look the little baby! Coochie coochie coo!

Daru: You touch me one time and I promise you'll be GGGuy's next meal.

King Zora: Awww, how adorable. He's so cute!

Daru: -_-*

Link: He's not a baby. He's a toddler with an attitude.

King Zora: Awww…even better! Hey baby, want to go swimming? I have am rubber ducky in the royal chamber you can use!

Daru: Stuff you, blubber butt.

King: Now, now. We don't use that kind of language.

Daru: I use it all the time.

 King: Of course you do. Want to go for a piggyback ride, baby?

Daru: That does it. You've gone over the deep end now. Die, fishy! *Grabs King Zora by the waist (a/n: If he has one. He may be too fat to have a waist.) And shoves his head into one of the nearby TV screens. *

King: Zora: (His voice is a bit muffled because his head is…you know where it is.) Ouch…I have…the biggest…headache…now…owie…

Daru: That'll teach YOU to call me a baby, King fatso!

Link: You need to take anger management classes.

Daru: I do.

Link: Oh.

Daru: They never help, of course. I always get expelled when I eat a statue.

Link: I wonder why that is?

Daru: Darmani says I eat too much, too. But he eats, like, two hundred pounds of food a day. He's a pig.

Link: I need to get back to playing the video game now, okay?

Daru: Oh yes, I've kept you too long. *Ahem* That's all the time we have for today. Join us next chapter for Lost: Zelda Edition. Goodbye, goodnight, good morning, good afternoon, have a good day…

Link: You can stop now.

Daru: Sorry. And remember, if you don't know where you are, you're LOST! *Disapparates*

End episode 3

Will Zelda go out with a Zora? Will Ganondorf conquer his fear of blacksmiths? (a/n: I doubt it. He hasn't conquered much of anything anyway.) Will Link and Skullkid finish all the Zelda games? Will Ruto and Saria get to Hyrule castle? Find out when I publish the next chapter of Lost: Zelda Edition!

***************************************************************************************************************

This fic was created by GoroGoroGuy. There may be no reproducing any part of this fic without his written consent. (In other words, no MSTing this fic or re-writing it in any way without me knowing about it and giving my okay.)

***************************************************************************************************************


	4. Not a part of the plot either, so don't ...

Lost: Zelda Edition-Episode four Phil Savickas Phil Savickas 2 262 2001-11-12T15:28:00Z 2001-11-12T15:28:00Z 13 3069 17494 19 Evergreen Drive 145 34 21483 9.2720 0 0 

Lost: Zelda Edition-Episode four

By: GoroGoroGuy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Disclaimer: I don't own Zelda, Lost, or any Harry Potter references in this fic. I DO, however, own this fic and the plot. That understood, onward to the fic!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gasp…I HATE not being able to upload chapters…I've been trying to get this chapter up for two weeks…Please forgive me, anyone who is being nice enough to anticipate this…

 (Scene: The set of Lost: ZE (inside Hyrule castle, in case none of you remember) complete with a hundred TVs, all bearing the words " LOST: ZE," and two loudspeakers blaring a remix of the Zelda theme. Daru walks out from backstage wearing a suit and tie. He sits down on the inflatable couch in the center of the set.)

Daru: Welcome, welcome, to the FOURTH episode of Lost: Zelda Edition, the first, and the ORIGINAL (a/n: That's right. Nobody has ever done this before. Ever. You can check with anyone, but nobody besides ME has ever remade Lost into a Zelda fic. Other series, maybe. Zelda, no.) bad remake of an abysmally horrid reality TV show known to the world as Lost. Last time, the contestants were filmed for the whole day, nonstop. This will continue throughout the rest of the fic. The contestants went through some pretty weird situations last time: Zelda was "asked out" by a Zora named Natal Kudro, Ganondorf revealed an interesting part of his life to the world that involved an angry blacksmith that strangely resembled fat illegitimate child, Ruto and Saria got captured by Gerudo, and found out why Talon is always sleeping and/or drunk. Link and Skullkid had to witness me fight with King Zora because he wouldn't stop calling me a baby in that nauseating tone of voice I hate. GGGuy stepped down from his duties as host of the show, leaving it to me, so now I can get some attention for once. Today, however-

Voice off stage: Get him!

Daru: What in the name of volcanic cheesy puffs in nacho-filled ferret heaven was that?

Second voice off stage: BANZAI!

*Impa, Navi, Malon, Mido, and Nabooru rush in and tackle Daru, Navi having some difficulty, and tie him to the couch*

Daru: What are you guys doing here?

Impa: We weren't given roles in this fic! Now you'll pay!

Daru: How did you get past security?

Malon: What security?

Daru: Don't tell me there's no security, I-…oh, god. Not AGAIN!

Nabooru: There's a security force here?

Daru: Yes, but they tend to…uh…slack off sometimes. I thought they learned their lesson last episode, but…

*Meanwhile, outside the castle…*

Security guy #1: *Using a laptop to browse through FF.N, looking through the various fics* Do you think we should be patrolling the entrances?

Security guy #2: Nah. Too much work. Besides, it's not like anyone's going to go and try to take over the show or anything.

Security guy #1: Good point. Hey, I found a good-looking fic. It's rated…uh…

Security guy #2: Its rated NC-17. I'm in! Let's read it!

Security guy #1: *Reads a bit* Oh, yeah! I gotta try that move tonight!

Security guy #2: That's just sick, sick, sick.

*Back to the studio*

Daru: Why tie up me? I didn't select the characters that would be on this!

Nabooru: But GGGuy is your best friend. He'll have to meet our demands if he wants a sane fic again!

Mido: Wait a second…Daru can apparate. He could escape!

Impa: No problem! *Casts a spell on Daru* That should do it.

Malon: Now, let's call GGGuy and give him our demands! *Pulls a cell phone out of her pocket and dials a few digits* Hello, GGGuy. I- what? Wrong number? But isn't this GGGuy's residence? Then where did I dial? …A WHAT? Damn, I must have an old phone book. Sorry. *Pause* No, I won't go out with you…no, I won't do that…I won't do that either…I don't even KNOW how to do that…you're creeping me out!

Daru: Who'd she dial?

Impa: Beats me.

Malon: Well, THAT was uncalled for! *Pause* Oh, YEAH? Well, you're a bigger one! Good-bye! *Hangs up* Now what?

Navi: HEY! Call his other phone!

Malon: I'm not stupid, Navi.

Navi: HEY! LOOK! IT SURE SEEMS LIKE IT!

Malon: Oh, go fly into a bug zapper, you little twit. *Dials another phone number* Hello?

GGGuy: Who is it?

Malon: Its Malon and all the other Zelda characters you so unwisely didn't include in Lost: ZE! 

GGGuy: And?

Malon: And now we've taken over your fic, captured Daru, and will wreak havoc on the contestants if our demands aren't met!

Daru: Don't do it, GGGuy! Don't listen to them!

Malon: Uh, Navi, could you…

Navi: Yep, I'd LOVE to... *Ahem* HEY! LOOK! LISTEN! HEY! LISTEN! HEY! HEY! LISTEN! LOOK! THERE! HEY! HEY! LISTEN! HEY! LISTEN! LISTEN! LOOK! HEY!

Daru: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! Not annoying fairy torture! Anything but that! Make it stop!!!!!!!

GGGuy: And the demands are?

Malon: Put us all in the fic, and ensure the other eight contestants don't win!

Impa: And ask for some hair supplies.

Malon: And some hair spray!

Navi: HEY! And my own, private fanfic!

Malon: And Navi's own private fanfic.

Nabooru: And a truckload of inflatable pants!

Malon: Don't you already have a few of those, though?

Nabooru: They wear out really, really fast.

Malon: And an entire truckload of inflatable pants for Nabooru.

GGGuy: What's Mido's request?

Mido: A lifetime supply of condoms!

All but Mido, including GGGuy: O_O?

Malon: What do you need those for? You're a kid!

Mido: SO? I want to be prepared!

Nabooru: For what?

Mido: For when I-…

Malon: -_-! Shut up! This is a PG-13 fic! Oh, all right, fine. (To phone) And a Lifetime supply of condoms for Mido.

GGGuy: What are those for?

Malon: For when he "Gets him some."

GGGuy: All right. Hm…Okay, I've come to a conclusion. I will- *Awkward pause, followed by barking* …No, T.J.! Bad dog! NO! Away from the phone line! No! Bad dog! Get away! Heel! Sit! Good dog…HEY! Get away from the phone line! It's NOT a chew toy! No! I said- *Beep* 

Computerized, monotone voice: If you would like to make a call, please hang up, and try again later. If you need help, hang up and dial zero for your local operator. If you would…

Malon: Damn it! He was so close to giving us our demands, too!

Impa: I say we go and wreak havoc on the contestants.

Navi: I agree!

Mido: Let's go!

Malon: Grab a camera, Nab. We're goin' on a contestant hunt!

Nabooru: Let's get them!

All besides Daru: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Daru: *Gulp* This could get ugly…

The contestant's (Bad) day

(a/n: The rest of this episode will be shot from a 3rd person view of the characters that I didn't include, because they hijacked a camera.)

Scene: Impa is looking through the crack in the door of Zelda and Darmani's hotel room. Mido is standing guard at the top of the stairs, and Malon is using a belt to attach a stink bomb to Navi.

Impa: Still sound asleep. This will be easy!

Nabooru: Got that stink bomb ready, Malon?

Malon: Almost.

Navi: I'm not so sure if I like the thought of having a bomb strapped to me. What if it blows up with me attached?

Mido: Nobody would care.

Malon: MIDO! 

Navi: Hey! I just so happen to know YOUR fairy, Mido, and he's lousy in the sack!

Mido: How would you know?

Navi: You know about all those times when he went to see the great Deku Tree?

Mido: Yeah…

Navi: Well, he was really going out with me!

Mido: WHAT?

Navi: And I broke up with him last month!

Mido: And exactly HOW do you know he's lousy in the sack?

Navi: None of your business!

Malon: -_-! As I was saying… It can't. It's on a timer. It won't explode until you pull your belt off. Then you'll have five seconds to leave, and it'll give those two a wake-up call they'll NEVER forget!

Mido: Can I plan the next prank?

Impa: As long as it doesn't involve condoms.

Mido: Damn.

Nabooru: Why do you even need those?

Mido: For when I-

Impa: *AHEM* Hey Mal, have you got that stink bomb ready?

Malon: Yep!

Navi: Now, all I have to do is pull the belt, right?

Malon: Right. Now, get in there!

Navi: All right!

*Navi flies into the hotel room and hovers above the still sleeping Zelda and Darmani*

Impa: Now, pull the belt off!

Navi: *Pulls the wrong belt and her pants fall down. Fortunately, she's too small for anyone but her and Impa (For some weird reason) to notice the difference*

Impa: Wrong one.

Navi: *Realizes her pants fell off* EEP! Sorry! *Puts back on her pants and belt* Now, is this the right one?

Impa: Yeah!

Navi: Okay! Hee hee…Sweet dreams, Zelda! *Pulls the belt, causing the stink bomb to fall between Darmani and Zelda. She quickly leaves the room*

Impa: *Checking her watch* Three…two…one…^**::BOOM::**^ And that wraps them up. It'll take at least six hours for the smell to come out, or four hours if they take a shower…

Malon: Darmani? Take a shower? Yeah, right…

Impa: Why are you wearing flower-and-smiley-face-patterned underwear, Navi?

Navi: Hey! Tell it to the world, why don't you?

Impa: Okay. *Opens the door that leads out to the awning outside* Hey, world! Navi wears-

Navi: That was a figure of speech and you know it, you old hag.

Impa: Dang. I've been waiting for thirty years for that set up.

Mido: (Changing the subject) Are the contestants okay?

  
Navi: They'll be fine. I'm sure someone will smell them eventually.

Impa: I'm starting to smell them right now. Let's move on to the next group!

Malon: ONWARD!

All: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA-

*Anju pokes her head out of the staff room door* 

Anju: Could you keep it down out there? I can't-…*Sniffs the air*…OH, GOD WAS THAT ME? I am SO sorry.

Malon: It wasn't you, we just set off a stink bomb.

Anju: …Oh. Okay. Bye! *Closes door*

Malon: Well, that was awkward. Anyway, where was I…Oh, yeah! ONWARD!

All: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Scene: Outside the Goron city, Termina. Impa and Nabooru are packing snow onto Raru, who is sound asleep. Mido is (Again) standing guard, while Navi buzzes around a tektite's face, which is unconscious because of how annoyed it is, while Malon stuffs Ganondorf's nostrils with cream cheese. (a/n: Don't ask me how he isn't waking up. Even I don't know.)

Mido: Why is it I'm ALWAYS standing guard?

Malon: Because you're short. You're hard to see.

Mido: Very funny.

Malon: Isn't it?

Mido: Where's Navi?

Malon: Annoying various monsters, I think.

Nabooru: We're almost done with pudgy boy here. You almost done with the not-so-evil-king?

Malon: Yep!

Impa: This is gonna be fun…

Mido: Okay, what are you planning to do with Raru?

Impa: The only thing that seems to affect him. Roll him down something.

Mido: That's IT?!

Nabooru: Of course not. We're going to put Ganondork at the bottom of the mountain, and when he wakes up, he'll literally get a noseful of cheese!

Impa: And when Raru wakes up, all of the snow will melt, so he'll think he had a REALLY bad accident.

Malon: Do you need help with the heavyweight?

Nabooru: No, we'll just teleport to the top of a mountain.

Mido: I that safe?

Impa: Heck yes! *Throws that weird Deku nut thing onto the ground, and they all vanish in a flash of bright light*

*On a nearby mountain. Impa, Nabooru, Malon, and Navi are rolling Raru to the top, while Mido stands guard (Yet again)*

Impa: Okay, now PUSH!

*They all push as hard as they can, but Raru rolls only a few inches*

Malon: *Pant* This is *Pant* not *Pant* working.

Impa: We'll have to use a lever or something to move him…

Mido: Can I stop standing guard now?

Impa: As a matter of fact, yes. (Whispers to the other characters) We'll use him to push Raru down the mountain. Okay?

Malon: Great.

Nabooru: Sounds good to me.

Mido: What can I do?

Impa: Stand over there and hold still.

Mido: Okay…

Impa: Now we're going to pick you up. It's very important that you don't struggle.

Malon: Heave! *All but Navi pick up Mido, aiming him at Raru*

Nabooru: Ready…GO!

*They all ram poor Mido into Raru at top speed headfirst, knocking the tub of lard down the mountain*

Impa: There he goes! Look at him roll!

Malon: Do you think he'll crash into that tree? *A loud "CRACK!" answers her question*

Navi: Nope, he knocked it over.

Mido: He's so fat. He's like a steamroller!

Impa: He's about as smart as one, too.

Nabooru: Took the words right out of my mouth! *Hi-fives Impa*

Mido: Women…

Navi: What about them?

Mido: Uh…nothing.

Navi: Sure…

Malon: To the next group!

Impa: ONWARD!

Malon: Hey, that's MY line!

Impa: I wanted to try it out for myself, though.

Nabooru: We can discuss the copyright infringement LATER.

All: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Gerudo fortress, Hyrule. Impa is rigging up a huge fireworks launcher near Saria and Ruto, while Navi loads the fireworks and cleans the launcher. Malon is examining her unconscious father, while Mido stands guard. (a/n: I hate Mido. Does it show?)

Impa: Almost ready with those fireworks, Navi?

Navi: (Inside launcher) Yeah, I just need a few more seconds.

Mido: What's she doing, screwing someone?

All except Mido: O_O…

Mido: I'm just kidding!

Malon: Didn't sound like it.

Impa: I say we strap HIM to a firework.

Nabooru: I second the motion.

Malon: Me too.

Navi: Let's get him!

Mido: Uh-oh. *Before he can react, Impa has strapped him to a firework*

Impa: If you say one more thing, I light the fuse. Understand?

Malon: Isn't that dangerous?

Impa: Would you care if he were in danger?

Malon: Good point.

Nabooru: What are we going to do with the gruesome twosome here?

Impa: Ensure your buddies capture them again.

Nabooru: Why would my troops capture them?

Impa: Don't ask me. I didn't write this fic.

Navi: Why is Malon's dad unconscious?

Malon: He's drunk.

Impa: How can you tell? He looks like he's just sleeping to me!

Malon: If YOUR dad came home half asleep, half drunk, before collapsing on a couch like so much gelatin every other day, you'd know how to tell if he was either asleep, drunk, or both too.

Impa: Great. I'll keep that in mind.

Malon: Just launch the fireworks, I'm cold.

Impa: Good for you. Navi, is the launcher ready?

Navi: Yep! All set! *Flies out*

Impa: We'll aim it just above them, so all the shrapnel barely misses them.

Malon: FIRE THE %*#&ing thing!

Navi: Such bad language you use. Does your father know?

Malon: Know it? He taught me it!

Impa: FIRE!!!!!!!!!! *Roughly sixteen fireworks shoot out of the launcher, exploding with great force above Saria and Ruto. They both wake up instantly, as do all of the Gerudos, who apprehend them instantly*

Ruto: Eek! This is bad!

Saria: What did WE do?!

Ruto: You'll never get away with this!

Random Gerudo #1: I don't know how you escaped from the easily escapable prison from Oot, but you're not going to do it again!

Saria: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Nabooru: And THAT is why you should never mess with us.

Mido: Amen.

Impa: WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SAYING ONE MORE WORD? *Lights fuse, which quickly burns up, launching Mido into the sky*

Mido: Can't we talk about thiiiiiiiiiiiiissssssssssssssssssss…

*A mile away, in the Kokori forest *

Random Kokori 1: Do you hear a weird noise?

Distant noise, growing louder: BwaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Random Kokori 2: It sounds like either a rabid woodchuck on weed, or Mido screaming.

Random Kokori 1: Or maybe both.

*Two seconds later, Mido flies headfirst into the roof of the Kokori shop, crashing with a loud "BOOM!" inside. He comes out, covered in ashes, a few more seconds afterward, coughing and staggering*

Random Kokori 2: Having a bad day, Mido?

Mido: You have no idea…*Faints*

*Zora's Domain, Hyrule. Impa is moving a sleeping Link onto the frozen water, while Navi, Nabooru and Malon Move Skullkid*

Malon: Skullkid is really heavy…

Impa: At least he hasn't been eating as much as Raru.

Malon: Why do you get to pull Link, anyway?

Impa: Why do you want to know? Do you like him?

Malon: NO!

Navi: Come on, we know you do. Admit it.

Malon: I said, I don't…Oh fine, I like him. I'm head over heels in love with the boy .He's just so cute when he rides Epona!

Impa: Welcome to the club.

Malon: You like him too?

Navi: Yeah. So do I.

Nabooru: Me too.

Impa: (Hushed voice) Quiet, you three, or he'll wake up!

All but Impa: Sorry.

*Suddenly, Daru apparates next to Malon*

Malon: EEK! What are you doing here?

Daru: I'm here to stop you from doing a very bad thing.

Impa: Didn't I cast a spell on you so you couldn't apparate?

Daru: No, that was spell that would force me to eat nothing but rocks for the rest of my life. And it doesn't affect Gorons, because all we eat is rocks. SO IN YOUR FACE, YOU OLD HAG!

Impa: Why does everybody always call me that?

Nabooru: We won't stop, and you can't stop us until GGGuy gives us our demands!

Malon: And he doesn't know we're doing this to his fic yet!

GGGuy: Says who?

All but Daru and GGGuy: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! How did you get here?

GGGuy: I wrote myself into this fic. It wasn't hard.

Malon: Don't hurt us! Please don't hurt us!

GGGuy: I won't hurt you, but I can do something _MUCH_ worse than that.

Daru: And that is?

GGGuy: Force these pathetic piles of crud into the Lunar Colony of randomness to MST fics until I let them out!

All but Daru and GGGuy: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GGGuy: Oh yes. Now get out of this fic, before I decide to do something even more horrible to you.

Impa: Like what?

Malon: Don't push your luck, Impa! He might not be kidding!

GGGuy: Too late. Now, on top of the MSTs you have to do, you will all also appear on the final, farewell extravaganza episode, too. Bye! *Snaps fingers and Impa, Malon, Navi and Nabooru all turn into blocks of granite*

Daru: (Drooling and generally looking very hungry) Mmmm…top quality, grade "A" granite sirloin with a polished quartz finish…I'm so hungry, too…

GGGuy: Darn author powers. I can never get them to delete characters. Let me try again. *Snaps fingers and the blocks of Granite turn back into their respective characters before disappearing*

Daru: Aw…And I was so hungry after breaking out of those ropes, too…

GGGuy: You like eating a little too much, Daru.

Daru: Darmani said I have an eating disorder.

GGGuy: Well, don't listen to Darmani. He's as smart as the boulders he eats.

Daru: That's the truth.

GGGuy: *Watch alarm goes off* Oops, I need to get back. See ya, Daru.

*GGGuy vanishes*

Daru: Bye! (Turns to camera) Well, that was an interesting, unpredictable episode today. Stay tuned for some quotes from the next Episode, and remember, if you don't know where you are, you're LOST! *Disapparates*

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

And now, another treat…

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

********************************************

Scenes from the next episode of Lost: ZE…

********************************************

Zelda: *Browsing through various dresses and assorted outfits* So, the way I see it, Natal, being a Zora, would like me to wear one of these outfits to the concerts. What do you think, Darm?

Darmani: *Looking up from his block of Quartz* What? Oh, yeah, I agree. He'll like it. Yup. Couldn't look better than that. He'll be eating rocks- I mean, he'll love it.

Zelda: You're hopeless.

Darmani: I know.

********************************************

Raru: Where's Daru again?

Goron #1: I'll get him. YO! FRED! Get Daru!

Fred: Mark! Get Daru!

Mark: Samuel! Get Daru!

Samuel: Bill! Get Daru!

Bill: Daru! Get down here!

Daru: *Apparates next to Goron #1* Why are you guys infringing on copyrights?

Raru: It must be a Goron thing.

Goron #1: It is. We've also played "Truth or frickin dare" and started a MST series called RIFT3K.

GGGuy: *Appears next to Goron #1* You @$$! If Misty Dawn and GG read this, then I'm gonna get it!

Ganondorf: And whose fault is that?

GGGuy: Screw you, cheese nose.

********************************************

Talon: *burp* I'm so hung over…

Ruto: Do I have to carry Talon?

Saria: Yes.

Ruto: Why?

Saria: Because you have more muscle mass then I do.

Ruto: Says who?

Saria: Says the great GGGuy.

Ruto: Who gives a crap about him?

Saria: Anyone who doesn't want his or her fics to be potential MST fodder.

Ruto:  That's true.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

End Episode 4

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

More (Relatively) normal Lost: ZE is on the way in a few weeks, so get ready! I need fics to MST. I cannot stress this enough. Send me the title of a fic you want me to MST to my E-mail address, shown in my profile. Thank you for reading this fic.

The Goron of randomness

-GoroGoroGuy-

#############################################################################

All ideas of other authors used by GGGuy in this fic are property of the original writer. All Zelda references and characters are © Nintendo 2001. All Harry Potter references are © J.K. Rowling. This fic is © GoroGoroGuy 2001. (It's not really copyrighted, but you can't copy or use any bit of the fic or plot and say it's yours without my explicit, written permission.)

#############################################################################


End file.
